The Zombie’s Bride – Comedic Zombie Flash Fiction

Today I decided to hammer out that flash fiction I’ve been dreaming of. I’m into the idea of having unlikable people getting eaten by zombies because of their own faults. This flash story exists in the same universe as Zombie Bedtime Stories (a very familiar character from Locked In is mentioned!), but are self-contained and no foreknowledge of the series is needed to enjoy them.

In other news, Locked Out (ZBS2) has been sent off for editing at my super secret editing factory (thanks Mom), and Deadlocked (ZBS3) has been outlined and writing will commence shortly.

And now, for my first installment of Bite Sized Zombies: The Zombie’s Bride:

Content warning: Foul language and gore.

Edit 08/19/2011: I have a version free on Smashwords and Kindle (this one isn’t free, it will be once they auto-price match to Smashwords. I can’t set it to be free directly or I would have!). It is much cleaner than the below version (I cleaned up a lot of the typos and goofs). Check it out if it’s easier for you.

Julia pursed her lips as she stared into the mirror. She couldn’t get her earrings to hang right. She couldn’t believe after how much she’d spent on them that they couldn’t even point down properly. She pouted and turned to her maid of honor, Sarah “Oh my God these earrings are going to ruin my whole wedding!” she said. Julia had spent weeks and more money than her credit cards would allow on this, and it had to be perfect! She had even joined a gym and worked hard so she could squeeze into the largest size her dream wedding gown would come in.

Sarah rolled her eyes. “Everything is going to ruin your wedding. First the cake, then you needed to lose fifty pounds, then the bridesmaids not wanting to wear those hideous blue and turquoise horizontal striped dresses. Get over it already! Ugh.” Sarah was awkward – tall and skinny.

“I want to be the most beautiful girl at my own wedding, is that so much to fucking ask?” Julia snorted, her wide, flat nose flared.

“I want to be able to show people those pictures!”

“Then find a man who will spend more than one night with you and get married you dumb slut.” Julia looked forward to not having to spend as much time with Sarah. She only put up with her because she made her look graceful, and because her first choice had vanished from the face of the Earth.

“You are such a fat cow. I bet he cheats on you within a year.” Sarah stuck out her tongue. Julia lamented having to replace Haley as her maid of honor, but she stopped answering her phone at the last minute. At least her dress fit Sarah. While she hated Haley for being a too-good perfect girl who had the audacity to be good looking and have a handsome boyfriend, at least Haley never called her fat.

“God you are such a bitch, I think -” she began, cut off by her ringing phone. She answered it while Sarah rolled her eyes like a petulance child. “What?” It was her fiancé. He told her there had been a fight at his bachelor party, and he and his friends had been attacked by a crazed person on the street.

“What the fuck is wrong with you! You know it’s bad luck for us to be together or even talk before the wedding! You’re ruining this for me! You’re ruining our marriage and our relationship and how could you be so fucking stupid?” Julia screamed into the phone. She watched as Sarah giggled. Of course she wouldn’t understand real love.

“Well, I thought you might want to know. We need to go to the hospital and -” He said as  he stammered into the phone.

“You are not postponing our wedding after I have worked this hard! You’re not going to ruin this again, I don’t care, you will be there or I will never forgive you!” Julia slammed down the phone. “Can you believe that dick? He wanted to postpone the ceremony because his friend got bitten by a crazy woman.”

Sarah only laughed.

~

The next morning she woke up feeling bloated from all the chocolate she’d eaten to comfort herself. Wedging herself into her dress was an insurmountable challenge. Eventually, she crammed herself into the tight gown and waited while her hair, makeup and other grooming was done to perfection. Even her earrings hung right. She waited for her father to arrive with his Cadillac to take them to the scenic lake they’d reserved for the ceremony. She waited. He arrived on time.

“How could you not be early, Dad? You’re going to ruin it all!” she said, annoyed at how inconsiderate he was.

“Sorry, darling. I know it’s your special day” He said, his voice quiet and thoughtful. He checked the time, and she realized his timing was perfect.

“Oh I’m sorry, Daddy. You know how much I love you, right?”

“Of course I do sweetie.” He returned to driving, and watched the road in silence.

They came up to the lakeside resort. Balloons floated from the fence posts along the way. Julia wasn’t impressed. She remembered asking for foil balloons, not little kid birthday balloons! They turned the corner, and she screamed. “This place is a mess! It’s all ruined!” The decorations had been ripped down, picnic tables and chairs were overturned and the windows of the lodge were broken. “Oh my God Daddy, what happened?”

“I don’t know sweetie. Stay in the car, I’m going to make some calls.” He brought the car to idle by the road and took out his phone. Julia sat and stared out the window. A figure moved, and caught her eye. It was John, her fiancé. He was wearing a white tuxedo, and faced the water. Enraged, she unlocked the door and stepped outside. “Darling, no!” her father said.

“It’s okay Daddy, I see John and I am going to get an explanation for this right now!” She hurried out the door and slammed it shut, jamming her long white dress in the door. “Oh fuck not my dress!” Julia cried as she opened the door and pulled the dress out. A long black grease stain marred the dress’ white silk. She marched towards the lake. Rage emanated from her pores. This was all John’s fault! “John you dumb fucker! You ruined my special day! How could you let it get like this!”

John turned to face her. His face was pale, and blood was smeared all over his face. His beautiful white tuxedo was coated in drying blood, already turning brown. “Oh my God, I told you we are not having a stupid theme wedding. And we have to return that tux! What were you thinking?”

There was no reply, only a loud, inhuman scream. He ran towards her, mouth agape. She took a step back and fell prone onto her back. She rolled from side to side, trying to get traction to right herself. Her dress tore. “You bastard you made me ruin my dress!” Julia screamed as she threw her hands in front of her face.

He crashed into her, mouth wide and teeth bared. He smelled of blood. Chunks of meat were stuck between his teeth. “Daddy help me!” she yelled. Pain overwhelmed her and John tore into her chest just below her collarbone. She tried to push his head away, but her efforts proved futile. He was too strong. She could see the best man running towards them along the beach, like a knight ready to save her. “Help me Sean!”

Sean looked at her and screamed as John ripped another chunk of flesh from her chest. Sean didn’t stop; he pounced on her like an animal. “No! Stop!” she said as she wheezed another breath. The corset wasn’t letting her breathe! She heard her father calling to her in the distance. Sean tore a chunk of flesh from her throat. A spray of blood soaked the sand and her white dress. Her arms went weak.

John leaned in and tore the flesh from her round cheeks. Tears streamed down her face and mixed with the flows of blood from her wounds. She was so dizzy and tired. The mouthfuls of flesh they hewed from her didn’t hurt anymore. The betrayal did.

Before everything went black, her last thoughts were about how John ruined her special day.

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4 comments on “The Zombie’s Bride – Comedic Zombie Flash Fiction

  1. That was an interesting twist to say the least, though I have to admit there are worse ways to go in a zombie ragnarok. Great work here, I know a lot of zombie lovers who will enjoy this. I’ll make sure to pass it along!

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